I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
