i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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