i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
