I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
