Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
