The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.