he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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