my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
