don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Holy shit dude........stairs
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
