Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
