The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
