Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
