i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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