Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
