Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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