Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
