God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
