I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
