i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
