my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
