I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
