Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
