my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she peed on how many people?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
