if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need to calm my uterus...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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