I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
