Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
