whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
