we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
