Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize