I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
