wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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