if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
