nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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