Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
