if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
