My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
