Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
