He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I love you.
Bad choice
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