3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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