Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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