I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
