I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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