I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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