in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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