Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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