I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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