In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
