at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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