in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
