No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
