Im at strip club and am horny
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
