seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
