Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
