I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
