she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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