We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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