you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
