I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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