I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
